If you don’t know this about me:
I have been struggling with chronic pain since I was a kid.
Doctors told my frustrated mother in the 1970s that I might have rheumatism and a weak immune system and I need to be under constant medical supervision. My mom did all she could to ease my pains. She used my grandma’s knowledge of herbs, but she also believed that doctors knew what should be done to make me stronger.
I went through many medical treatments which helped with acute infections, but this added more health issues for other organs, and the pain remained.
Living with pain is very frustrating and often times can be depressing. It pays a toll on your self-esteem and affects all areas of your life.
In 2001 I made a commitment to myself to find my way to healing without medications and I was doing well with QiGong, meditation and breathing practices until 2015 when after lots of stress in my life I suddenly fell very, very ill.
6 years of ups and downs and I finally feel I am riding my Chronic Pain dragon instead of allowing it to eat me up! 😊
Taming My Dragon
This year I turned 54 yrs old.
Over the last 6 years I have gone through many lab tests, gave away litters of my blood and thousands and thousands of money to the medical procedures recommended by professionals. I was determined and preoccupied with one goal: to seek that invisible enemy – “the ugly dragon”- which causes my debilitating pain and robs me of my energy and joy, and to destroy it!
I wanted to find whom or what to blame for my inability to reach the dream life I knew I was capable to live, face it no matter how scary it might be and get rid of it once and forever! I was born a warrior.
Doctors, healers, psychics and again doctors, healers and psychics…
I was told “I was cursed” by psychics, “have bad karma” by gurus and was “a mysterious puzzle” by doctors.
Over the years I have learned and used many tools to deal with the pain: QiGong, Reiki, Brain and Mind Power integrative trainings, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), Breathwork, The Work by Byron Katie, Process Work, Family Constellations, crystals, meditations and cold showers.
I had small victories over my Pain Dragon, but they would never last for long. I was up and down, up and again down. I felt helpless and powerless. I worked hard to prove to everyone and to myself that I deserve to live pain-free and eventually to live at all when I hit rock bottom in 2019.
In March 2019 I woke up from feeling I was burning inside out I became a sick, non-functional body with a new guessed, but never proved diagnosis of “Lyme” and a running-in-loops crazy mind. That mind was repeating just one story: ”You are a total failure”.
I stopped going to doctors. It was useless. They had no answers for me.
My marriage fell a part in the middle of COVID and I felt like I have nothing to hold on to.
Panic attacks became frequent visitors…
My Dragon was fully winning this game and I had to admit it this time, and so I wept…
I cried and wept for days and months which seemed like decades. Then one day a moment of awakening happened :
I can not see My Dragon because it is not outside, nor inside me,
IT HAS BECOME ME! I am IT!
It is ME who knows living life as striving and pain, who perceives love and self-love as criticism, constant self-improvement, more work and again pain; who seeks growth through pain!
It is me, an arrogant perfectionist who spits fire toward myself for some little flaws or mistakes and who believes others won’t solve their problems without my supervision and assistance.
In chasing the monster I have become It and forgotten the Me who was innocently chasing butterflies, had faith in the goodness and fairness of life, who was allowing, not pursuing things and had a contagious laugh and faith in “everything is for the better”…
How did I get out of this pain loop?
When most of my tears were cried out, the veil over my eyes became thinner and I started to see my chronic pain patterns. I was chasing the dragon’s tail in an attempt to punish the dragon or my own self and was asking for help to catch that tail, but I was the only One who could finally see it wasn’t possible unless I’d stop running the same mindset … the mindset of “Something is wrong with me”, and “I need to fix my self”
And so, I sat down with myself one night after my last visit to an emergency room and
#1. I made an intention to BECOME MERCIFUL and not to get rid of My Dragon, but to know It better and even to become friends with It. That was my step #1 to Freedom.
#2. I stopped believing everything that The Dragon’s Head (The Authority within me) would tell me or demand from me, and I STARTED QUESTIONING my story, my own righteousness and imprinted beliefs.
#3. I surrendered to my pain, but kept MY DESIRE TO LIVE unwavering… And I started intuitively seeing healers who would expand my inner light instead of fighting with my dragon.
#4. I learned methods and prayers for Forgiveness, and Ho’oponopono was one of my favorite.
#5. I committed and learned how to control my panic attacks and hormonal fluctuations with breathing techniques and Tibetan hormonal exercises.
#6. I invested my time in knowing my true needs and desires, not societally appropriate ones and practiced RADICAL ACCEPTANCE for all mine and others people’s opinions, but I would choose what was right for me.
#7. I completed the course in psychosomatic integration based on GNM and it worked miracles for me! I found the answers my doctors couldn’t give to me and the understanding of my body in a totally new way helped me to heal faster.
#8. I decided to avoid taking any painkillers, but instead learn daily how to fully RELAX and actually how to FEEL, and most importantly how to FEEL SAFE while being alone and one-on-one with my mind. I was teaching it to stop attacking me.
#9. I REDISCOVERED MY CHILDHOOD PASSION for drawing and started drawing and painting mandalas which helped me to heal my heartache and many other psychological wounds.
My Dragon was finally “caught” and found its home in its own mandala.
I hope you found this article helpful for your personal struggle with pain.
Feel free to contact me with any questions.
I would like to share some exercises and other tools useful for your journey of liberation from pain in my upcoming workshop.
________________________________________________________
In conclusion, I will tell you the most important thing:
In August 2021 I received my first ever blood test with the Rheumatoid Factor being normal, and there was no evidence of any “puzzling” auto-immune illness any more. I have no more panic attacks and my pain started to diminish gradually but surely.
I can function again. I can teach again. I can enjoy my life again. I am still having some aches, but I know that my abusive mindset is evaporating!
When there is no longer an inner abuser, life seems so delicious, and becomes as sweet as my favorite vanila-strawberry ice cream! I am ready to enjoy it soon!
P.S. Taming My Dragon has been allowing Angels to take more space in my life. Especially this Angel369. With time I have developed a program The Healing Art of Mandalas and teaching it for about a year now with lots of joy!!
You can see my art creations on my Instagram.
I fish you to find your way of liberation from pain very soon!
~Angela
UPDATE of 11/17/2022 : I have eaten plenty of gelato during my first ever solo-traveling to Italy in July of 2022!
Life is Good!!!
